Edge of a Knife

“Then Job arose, and rent his mantle, and shaved his head, and fell down upon the ground, and worshiped, and said, Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord. In all this Job sinned not, nor charged God foolishly.”

What if... What if possessing one thing could get a person the college education that they had always dreamed about? What if possessing that same thing would also be their ticket to getting into the career they had always wanted? What if that same thing, once in their possession, would most likely lead to them forming a solid foundation for a family with a wonderful young woman they had met? Now imagine if that one thing was taken from that person. Not only was it taken away, but it was taken for no legitimate reason. They were deprived of their dream on no justifiable basis. What then?

Over the past month or more, I have focused my life on signing up with the Texas Army National Guard. If I join I will be given 100% scholarship to the college I wish to attend, I will be given a shining star on my resume in the law enforcement community, and I have begun to build the solid foundation I will need to be able to begin courtship with a godly young woman. Yet all of this seems to hinge on the prospect of joining the Army. Recently my recruiter contacted me with news, that given the current level of medical documentation I had been permanently disqualified from service in the U.S. Armed Forces. The grounds were cited as “Potential Central Nervous Disorder”, specifically suspicions that I might have epilepsy.

At the beginning of 2007 I began passing out with regularity. So regularly in fact that my parents became concerned and had me taken to the family physician, who in turn recommended I be seen by a Neurological specialist. We went to that specialist, who recommended two brain scans and a heart scan. The heart scan came first, confirming that it had nothing to do with my heart. After the first brain scan the analysis said it was either epilepsy or developmental syncope, and in addition there was an venous anomaly in the frontal left lobe of my brain. The anomaly is quiet common, associated with cerebral venous drainage. That cerebral venous drainage is part of the normal function of the brain, and poses no threat to any function of the central nervous system. The second brain scan confirmed that it was not epilepsy, and the advice from the doctor was to drink more water and consume more salt. After this last doctor visit I began drinking large amounts of water and taking salt tablets for a few weeks. I never passed out again.

When I submitted my medical exam I was asked if I had ever had a period of dizziness or passing out, and I almost didn't check it. The entire issue was from four years ago and had never reappeared. Feeling the need to be completely honest I went ahead and checked it. It started out as an incidental “I need a doctor's note”, and turned into a full scale medical investigation. I went back to the Neurologist and he diagnosed me clear of syncope, and said specifically that no restrictions apply to me. The Army was not satisfied. So upon their request I sent the original diagnosis, the heart and the first brain scan. This resolved the question regarding syncope, but now epilepsy and the brain anomaly are in question. Despite the Neurologists assurances that I am neurologically sound, the army physicians are not satisfied. My last option is send the second brain scan to the Army and hope against hope that they will accept me after that documentation is in.

As it stands, I may loose everything I have hoped for the future. It all depends on the army physician's opinion on my neurological state because regardless of what the neurological specialist says, the final word is theirs to give. Feeling that your whole future is balancing on the edge of a knife is an extremely uncomfortable feeling. When I think of the work and effort I have put into this, the sweat, toil and tears, it breaks my heart to think I might loose it all. Looking for comfort I could only do but one thing, turn to scripture.

The passage of Job is most applicable. Here is a man who is living his daily life, unaware of the conversation between God and Satan, then suddenly his family starts dying like flies and his property gets stolen overnight. He is left the next day sitting in ashes with nothing but his faith to his name. Yet what did this great man of God do? Despite the fact that what was happening was unfair, unexplained, and unprecedented from his perspective, he praised God. His words so clearly rang with truth, demonstrating a wise perspective. “Naked came I out of my mother's womb, and naked shall I return thither: the Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord” Job knew he came into this world with nothing, and he will leave this world with nothing. Even if Job was to adopt a self centered mindset, he recognized that he didn't loose anything he would later. However, he did not have a self centered mindset. He says, “The Lord gave, and the Lord hath taken away.” Job recognized how God Himself was the true owner of Job's family and possessions, and that Job didn't have any right to assert a claim over them. Finally Job crowns his statements with the most beautiful summary, “Blessed be the name of the Lord.” What more could be said? God gave Job a family and abundant amounts of possessions for years, and Job had the honor to own all of it for those years. Would it not be right to acknowledge the blessing someone gave you when they lent you a car for several years?

I look at my situation, seeing the dreams God has given me dissipate. I realize the difficulties I will face paying for college, gaining employment with epileptic findings from the U.S. Army, and my mind wants to shrivel up and die. God may yet resolve this situation, God may not. No matter what happens I am resolved that after the final word has been given, the final finding been found, I will bow my head in prayer and bless God for the path He has set before my feet. I will walk that path however painful to His glory.

I will walk that path with confidence that when I breath my last, and I arrive before my creator and God, I will hear those sweet words... “Well done thou good and faithful servant, enter into the happiness of thy Master...”